Helping the Child Who Struggles with Social Skills
Social and communication skills seem to come naturally for most, and because of that we never stop to wonder how we learned those skills. There isn’t a preschool class specific to manners and communication, yet when growing up, most toddlers easily make friends, answer questions appropriately and understand that having a conversation is a “give and take” deal. So when we encounter someone who struggles in these areas, we’re not sure how to start teaching the skills.
Teaching the Basics
Start at the most basic level of the communication process: recognizing a good conversation and what the roles are when people communicate.
Notice others and what they are NOT saying
The language of non-verbal communication is based on a language of the eyes and carries a great deal of information about the conversation you’re having. Here is a list of the non-verbal cues children need to learn to notice:
- Mood or feelings
- Expressions
- Posture
- Spatial relationship to others
- Tone of voice
- Speed of speech
- Word choice
Only mentioning what these are will not be enough. All of these cues need to be modeled and practiced in order to become ingrained and automatic on a daily basis. Model the behavior for your child. For example, show how your posture or expression can signal different feelings and talk about why that’s important to know. Try asking the child to explain what you just did, then ask him/her to model or demonstrate what you just did and then develop a way to add the behavior to the child’s through practice.
Beyond the Basics
Once your child is able to ‘read’ another person’s non-verbal expressions, tone and meaning, then you can begin to build a foundation of good social skills. When developing a foundation of social skills, assess your child’s social deficits and strengths first. Here are some important skills:
- Making eye contact and using and noticing facial expressions, posture and physical proximity
- Speaking clearly while using intonation and appropriate volume
- Choosing topics of conversation that are appropriate to the setting and audience
- Maintaining a topic in conversation as well as being flexible in changing topics
- Taking turns while conversing and waiting to be acknowledged or called on before speaking
- Using appropriate conversational small talk
- Introducing oneself and others
- Asking for help when needed
- Keeping others in mind while conversing – a conversation isn’t a monologue
Addressing the above skills should be done with appropriate modeling from siblings, peers or a professional. Ensure it’s someone who will be encouraging and instructive.
Activities to increase these skills:
- Videotape your child making a series of facial expressions: happy, sad, angry, worried, scared, bored and so on. Have the child watch the video and discuss what they observe.
- Turn off the sound on the TV during a video or movie and work with the child to decipher what is happening. This will require that the child correctly ‘reads’ the facial, posture and gestural cues.
- Read a story and ask, “What do you think would happen next?” Discuss cues and how important it is to have some theory of action; some way to predict what is likely to happen next.
- Teaching your child to listen to another’s ideas can be accomplished by having the child repeat back or respond to the opinions of family members on certain topics. “Dad likes golf because….” “Mom doesn’t like it because….”. Your child can be a reporter and pretend they are recording the speaker’s comments to show on the news later. Show what happens when you don’t listen to them. Talk about how they feel when you didn’t hear what was said.
- Take your child with you to places where people are doing a trade. Model for your child how to show interest in another person’s work by asking questions and using appropriate answers that imply that you are listening. Have your child prepare to ask a few, pre-practiced questions themselves ans to remember what the person told them. Remind your child this is not the time for them to begin talking about their own interests.
- Use dolls or puppets to act out how to make a friend and how to engage that new friend in a conversation.
- Help your child come up with ways to spend time with friends by discussing places to go and things to do with friends. Talk about possible disagreements and the ‘give and take’ of friendships.
- To teach an understanding of how other people feel, discuss situations with your child about times they were scared, elated or very angry. Find a book or magazine and identify what people in the pictures might be feeling. Go to a mall and people-watch. Identify people who are happy, hurried and depressed.
When your child practices and masters these very early skills, their self-esteem and confidence will increase and their anxiety in social situations will decrease. They will be ready to learn the more complex social skills, like letting go of an argument or dealing with humor or sarcasm.
© Can Stock Photo Inc. / MaszaS