Social Skills 101: Helping your child with more complex situations
In my last article I outlined the most basic skills needed to communicate effectively, which were ‘picking up’ on non-verbal cues like noticing others facial expressions, feelings and make eye contact. Although these skills are important whenever communicating, they aren’t enough to help the child who can’t make or keep friends.
Children learn at an early age that in order to get someone to like you or play with you, they should do a few things. A child can show interest in what another child is doing or he/she could share a positive thought about the activity. Asking questions gets the potential friend talking and the child can demonstrate that he/she is fund and interesting. Most children without good social approaches find other ways to engage. They get bossy or pushy, demand time from the potential friend and are either uninterested in the new child’s hobby or overly intent and too personal.
Most of us never think about the layers of communication and meaning in the conversations or interactions. Children with Asperger’s syndrome or who struggle socially have a great disadvantage due to the multitasking that is necessary in creating relationships that go deeper and last longer. This article will cover a dozen objectives or goals that your child should master in order to make friends and be efficient in more complex situations.
- Learning to show interest in others. Explain why we all like to have others notice us and want to know more about us. Talk about why it’s fun to have a friend and come up with ideas of things to talk about. Practice good approaches, like, “Do you want to play with one of my yo-yo’s?” versus a bad opening, like “Hey, do you know I have forty yo-yo’s and I’m better than you at them?” Often, struggling children will try to be the expert on a subject and will bore others away from them. Demonstrate to your child by making him/her sit through a one-sided discussion from you on a topic he/she has no interest in, then ask him/her how they felt or how interesting you seemed to them.
- Becoming more interesting to others. Children often persevere on their one good talent they’ve been told they have when in fact they have many other interesting things they can do. Make a list of these and practice talking about them. Practice talking about yourself in a short, one minute introduction and have your child try it. Help your child understand what most children like to discuss; things like pets, favorite TV shows or trips and that astral-physics and dinosaur anatomy really leaves a lot of people out of a conversation.
- Trying out new hobbies and interests. To become more interesting, your child may have to expand their current activities. One way to have more friends is to be involved in groups that have a cause or interest. Talk about different hobbies such as collecting items or taking some new classes. Your child can ask other children what they are interested in, then explore the subject by attending a similar program or researching the topic at the library. Sports is not always the answer to getting your child involved since they might be motor-delayed or clumsy. Ask adults what they were interested in as children or visit a craft and hobby store in your area to get ideas.
- Learning to encourage and compliment others. Children need to understand what discouragement or rude comments feel like first, so discuss time when you know your child has been discouraged or someone has been rude to him. Talk about what would have been nice to hear someone say during that time. Make a list of encouraging statements and practice them at home and in public. Watch movies and decide if the people are using encouraging or discouraging statements. Talk about people in your child’s environment and list the nice compliments that could be said to each of them.
- Understanding fairness and letting others choose sometimes. Some children feel that if someone is their friend, the own them or can dictate everything they do together. Give example around the house that show fairness. Role-play situations where choices need to be made and practice letting someone else make a choice without being angry or bossy. Talk about how to work out disagreements by discussing who gets to choose first, asking what else they can think to do or putting off personal choices until the next time.
- Sharing friends. Often a child will get on best friend and then have a very hard time when that best friend plays with others. Talk about family dynamics and that parents don’t have just one favorite child. Help your child recognize that getting to know another person makes two friends to play with. What can you do with three people that you can’t do with two? Explain that begging a friend to not play with others makes you seem needy and not fun to be around. Practice saying statements that are sincere, like, “I hope you had a good time” or “What did you do together?”
- Keeping promises. Children share secrets all of the time and promise not to tell. They promise to take turns and to share things. But if your child makes bold statements such as, “I’m going to bring you an expensive present” or invites someone to come to an expensive outing, you can see how they will not be able to keep those promises. Discuss that your child doesn’t have to promise things that are spectacular and that just little promises are the most important idea in keeping a friend.
- Don’t badmouth or gossip. Discuss what these both mean. Badmouthing is criticizing and gossiping is spreading around a bad story about someone. Think of times your child has had both of these done to him/her or when he/she has done the same thing and talk about the feelings they cause. Talk about how saying bad things about people won’t change them or their irritating habits. Practice saying something nice about a person when gossip starts to fly. Help your child understand that gossiping is the wrong way to fit into a group and can only come back to hurt him/her or get him/her in trouble.
- Having clear expectations. Discuss how it makes us feel relaxed to know that is expected of us and what is “being prepared”. Talk about how to be prepared for different activities. Would we feel embarrassed if we were the only one to wear a costume to school or if we went to a birthday party and didn’t bring a present? Practice asking the correct questions in order to know enough information. Role-play being prepared for different situations like visiting a relative versus going to a sleep over. Going to the circus versus playing a soccer game. Most embarrassing situations can be avoided by understanding the expectations.
- Learning to say ‘no’ without being rude. Children who struggle socially can be brusque or rude when they feel pressured or don’t want to do something. Discuss why it’s important to be able to say ‘no’ but also how to do that politely. List rude comments like, “you’re crazy, forget it, go away, or no way” and come up with positive statements like, “Sorry, but I can’t”, “I won’t be able to do that but thanks anyway”, or “no thank you, but maybe we can do something else later.” Discuss that by being rude, your child may not get invited again.
- Don’t say ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’. Children who have limited friends often agree to do things even when they don’t want to just to keep the interactions going. Point out some instances in your family where that has happened and discuss the negative results of saying what you don’t mean. Tie this into the earlier goal of always trying to be honest and keeping promises. Mentions that you could get into trouble or hurt by agreeing to do things you know are wrong. Talk about what some of these are.
- Not hurting others feelings and apologizing. These are hard rules for everyone but for socially struggling children, they are even harder. These kids usually make statements without realizing that they are hurtful and when it comes to apologizing, they get angry because what they said was true. “You have a long nose” or “You’re too fat for my team.” Talk about all of the different feelings someone can have when they are hurt: sad, mad, shocked, crying, pouting. Practice seeing what those faces look like. Talk about what you should say if you see someone has this look on their face. Practice ‘sorry’ statements. Talk about why saying sorry makes you more grown-up, a better friend and shows you are responsible enough to take the blame for doing something wrong.
Putting It All Together
For any child to have success, they must be able to put together all the above objectives and develop their own style by practicing. The work of connecting non-verbal and verbal communication is central to healthy social skills development. You can talk about them being cool. In essence, ‘cool’ is knowing and using correct connections of word choice, tone, and politeness. Developing these good communication skills makes you ‘cool’.
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