Social Skills 101 – Part 1

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canstockphoto0520321Helping the Child Who Struggles with Social Skills

Social and communication skills seem to come naturally for most, and because of that we never stop to wonder how we learned those skills. There isn’t a preschool class specific to manners and communication, yet when growing up, most toddlers easily make friends, answer questions appropriately and understand that having a conversation is a “give and take” deal. So when we encounter someone who struggles in these areas, we’re not sure how to start teaching the skills.

Teaching the Basics

Start at the most basic level of the communication process: recognizing a good conversation and what the roles are when people communicate.

Notice others and what they are NOT saying

The language of non-verbal communication is based on a language of the eyes and carries a great deal of information about the conversation you’re having. Here is a list of the non-verbal cues children need to learn to notice:

  • Mood or feelings
  • Expressions
  • Posture
  • Spatial relationship to others
  • Tone of voice
  • Speed of speech
  • Word choice

Only mentioning what these are will not be enough. All of these cues need to be modeled and practiced in order to become ingrained and automatic on a daily basis. Model the behavior for your child. For example, show how your posture or expression can signal different feelings and talk about why that’s important to know. Try asking the child to explain what you just did, then ask him/her to model or demonstrate what you just did and then develop a way to add the behavior to the child’s through practice.

Beyond the Basics

Once your child is able to ‘read’ another person’s non-verbal expressions, tone and meaning, then you can begin to build a foundation of good social skills. When developing a foundation of social skills, assess your child’s social deficits and strengths first. Here are some important skills:

  • Making eye contact and using and noticing facial expressions, posture and physical proximity
  • Speaking clearly while using intonation and appropriate volume
  • Choosing topics of conversation that are appropriate to the setting and audience
  • Maintaining a topic in conversation as well as being flexible in changing topics
  • Taking turns while conversing and waiting to be acknowledged or called on before speaking
  • Using appropriate conversational small talk
  • Introducing oneself and others
  • Asking for help when needed
  • Keeping others in mind while conversing – a conversation isn’t a monologue

Addressing the above skills should be done with appropriate modeling from siblings, peers or a professional. Ensure it’s someone who will be encouraging and instructive.

Activities to increase these skills:

  1. Videotape your child making a series of facial expressions: happy, sad, angry, worried, scared, bored and so on. Have the child watch the video and discuss what they observe.
  2. Turn off the sound on the TV during a video or movie and work with the child to decipher what is happening. This will require that the child correctly ‘reads’ the facial, posture and gestural cues.
  3. Read a story and ask, “What do you think would happen next?” Discuss cues and how important it is to have some theory of action; some way to predict what is likely to happen next.
  4. Teaching your child to listen to another’s ideas can be accomplished by having the child repeat back or respond to the opinions of family members on certain topics. “Dad likes golf because….” “Mom doesn’t like it because….”. Your child can be a reporter and pretend they are recording the speaker’s comments to show on the news later. Show what happens when you don’t listen to them. Talk about how they feel when you didn’t hear what was said.
  5. Take your child with you to places where people are doing a trade. Model for your child how to show interest in another person’s work by asking questions and using appropriate answers that imply that you are listening. Have your child prepare to ask a few, pre-practiced questions themselves ans to remember what the person told them. Remind your child this is not the time for them to begin talking about their own interests.
  6. Use dolls or puppets to act out how to make a friend and how to engage that new friend in a conversation.
  7. Help your child come up with ways to spend time with friends by discussing places to go and things to do with friends. Talk about possible disagreements and the ‘give and take’ of friendships.
  8. To teach an understanding of how other people feel, discuss situations with your child about times they were scared, elated or very angry. Find a book or magazine and identify what people in the pictures might be feeling. Go to a mall and people-watch. Identify people who are happy, hurried and depressed.

When your child practices and masters these very early skills, their self-esteem and confidence will increase and their anxiety in social situations will decrease. They will be ready to learn the more complex social skills, like letting go of an argument or dealing with humor or sarcasm.

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / MaszaS

What is your child’s learning style?

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boy on booksIdentifying how your child learns best

Everyone has his or her own unique learning style. Some people learn best by seeing or reading, others by listening, and still others by doing something with their hands. You can help you child by identifying his or her primary learning style: Is your child a visual learner, an auditory learner, or a kinesthetic (hands-on) learner?

A quick look at identifying you child’s main learning style

Read the lists below and put check marks by the items that fit you child the best.

Visual Learners: Auditory Learners: Kinesthetic Learners:
Learn by seeing or reading Learn by listening Learn by doing or moving
Do well when material is presented and tested visually, not verbally Do well in lecture based learning environments and oral reports and tests Do well when they can explore and create in order to learn
Benefit from written notes and directions, diagrams, charts, maps, and pictures Benefit from classroom discussions, spoken directions, study groups Benefit from hands-on activities, lab classes, props, skits, and field trips
Often love to draw, read, and write; are good spellers and organizers Often love music, languages, and being on stage Often love sports, drama, dance, martial arts, and arts and crafts

What you will find is that although your child may have attributes in each column, there should be a predominant style that has more check marks than the others. (As a not, none of these learning styles is better or worse than the other.) However, knowing your child’s learning style helps him/her understand how he/she will learn the fastest, and can reduce frustration and anxiety if your child is being forced to perform in a learning modality he/she is not comfortable in.

Learning tips for visual learners:

  • Use books, videos, computers, visual aids, and flashcards. Anything to SHOW the material to your child, versus using lectures and auditory teaching.
  • Teach them to take detailed notes. Use highlighters and colored pencils to underline different areas or to organize material into categories. For example, red is for verbs, yellow for articles and blue is for nouns when learning the parts of grammar.
  • Learn to make outlines, diagrams, and lists. Create a pre-typed document that allows for this type of listing skill so your child just needs to fill in the high points he/she hears.
  • Use drawings and illustrations, preferably in color and the more detailed the better.
  • Take a tape recorder to listen to lectures again later.

Learning tips for auditory learners:

  • Teach a child to read his/her notes or to study the materials aloud.
  • Memorize using word associations and verbal repetition.
  • Study with other students, talk things through, have him teach a brother or a sister the material to ensure he has learned it.
  • Provide oral testing as an option.
  • Listen to books on tape or other audio recordings.
  • Use a tape recorder to listen to lectures again later.

Learning tips for hands-on learners:

  • Teach by doing experiments, looking things up on the internet, doing activities that teach the same material but where the child can interact with it by doing something.
  • Take field trips, collect items, explore similar topics to help show the correlation with the new material.
  • Use activity-based study tools, like role-playing or building models, designing.
  • Study in small groups and take frequent breaks.
  • Use memory games, computer activities and materials that can be held and manipulated or used in a shared experience.
  • Study with music on in the background or allow TV with a familiar program playing as random backdrop noise.

Other Considerations:

  • Children can be shown their strengths, weaknesses and special talents which will help with their self-confidence in knowing that they are not “dumb” just because they learn a bit differently than others in the classroom. Appearing dumb is a child’s number one fear in school!
  • Talk with your child about problem solving and how they will accomplish this once they recognize their learning style. Should they make lists to help with decisions or talk out the possible resolutions with you or a teacher?
  • The ability to set realistic goals is important. Being flexible in adjusting the goals is also important. Help your child identify a few short- or long-term goals and write down steps and a timeline to achieve the goals. Check in periodically to talk about progress or to mark off the list.

Understanding how we learn best is very important in school as well as in social situations. Discovering a child’s learning style will open up the discussion of ways to learn ideas faster and better, without the anxiety that something is wrong with the child.

Writing, Part 2 – Complexity

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canstockphoto0812727Once a child has the creativity to come up with a story on their own, but it is lacking in length and depth, try having them make their stories more complex by adding a problem and a resolution. Inexperienced writers generally don’t make their stories very deep, probably because they want to get the writing over with, but also, they may not know how to do it. If a student writes a short story without any depth, what I usually do is ask them, “What if….?. What if it’s too hot inside the spaceship and the snowman starts to melt? What if the country ran out of food while you are the President?” Students usually take no issue with solving problems in their story, and they think it’s really fun! Feel free to give them plenty of prompts at first and you will notice that they may not need them after a period of time.

In order for the student to gain independence in complex writing, I will start to ask what a problem in the story could be before the student begins to write.For example, if a student is writing about being a superhero, I would ask, “Who is the villain or bad guy and what superpowers do they have? How will you save people from them?” This aides them in the brainstorming process and allows them to feel confident in their own abilities.

As always, point out their good writing with lots of praise, even down to their word choice. Kids are more apt to write more and write well when they feel that the person reading it will enjoy it and notice how much effort went into it. And remember, that spelling will improve with practice, so don’t be too anxious over misspelled words.
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© Can Stock Photo Inc. / OvertheHill

Writing, Part 1

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pencilsI hadn’t been working at U CAN LEARN for very long before I discovered that the majority of students who are struggling academically in reading, math, etc., were also really struggling with writing. Once I began having the students write, even if it was a few sentences a session, I noticed that many other things started to improve. Handwriting, vocabulary, creativity, reading comprehension and spelling all started to naturally increase. Don’t get me wrong, we put emphasis in other places too, but I was amazed at how writing was able to help the students really put to use what they were learning in other areas. Even the most reluctant student has learned to love writing here, and the confidence they gain from using a skill they feel they have improved was really rewarding for me and the other tutors.

Writing is a challenge! It’s also intimidating to think about writing something and having someone else read and critique it. Common fears I hear often are, “What if the reader doesn’t like it?” or “What if I make mistakes or don’t spell the words right?” When a student is reluctant or fearful to write, they have a mental block against it and are convinced that they can’t produce a “worthy” story. These students need lots of coaxing and practice, as well as heavy praise in order to overcome their fears. This post will give you one way to help your student overcome their fear of writing. Check back for the other tried-and-true tips coming soon!

 

Tip 1: Fostering Creativity

Students who are struggling academically may find it hard to think of an interesting story. Others may struggle to get their thoughts down on paper, so what comes out is usually very simple. Know that simple is a great place to start! If they have a hard time thinking of WHAT to write about, try giving them a prompt. Sometimes we will use 3 stickers, pictures or toys that they need to use in their story. We also let them write about what they like; sports, animals, vacations, technology, superpowers. If it’s interesting to them, they will write. You can also ask questions like, “What if there was no such thing as electricity?” or, “What would you do if you were the President of the United States for a day?” You will be amazed at what you come up with! I can’t stress enough that whatever they write is acceptable. The more practice they have, the better they will get. Foster creativity by giving them ideas for characters or names. Help in the creative stage is okay when they are just starting out. After some time, you will notice that they no longer need/want your ideas and can be creative all on their own.

It’s also very important at this stage that we don’t worry about exact spelling, periods, capitols, etc. You can help them fix some mistakes, yes, but don’t be a perfectionist. In my experience, once I relax about spelling and punctuation, the student is more excited to write. Once they’re excited to write, they will be less fragile to correct. Also, writing can increase spelling ability and you’d be surprised that your student will start to notice and correct his or her own mistakes.

This is just one area of writing that I hope will improve for your fearful or hesitant writer. Check back for more tips, and happy writing!

Jenna

The Second Half of the School Year Begins-HELP!

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Christmas break has come to an end and the students who aren’t exactly excited to return to the classroom might find their “school flame” a bit weak, or worse, extinguished. William Butler Yeats said, “Schooling is not the filling of the pail, but the lighting of the fire.” So what to do when a student has little or no motivation to complete their homework? What can you say to a child that doesn’t even want to go to school? How can a student stay motivated beyond Gym Wednesday or Pizza Friday? As a parent or educator, we pull out our best logic, we use all the reasons that schoolwork should get done-but the problem is, motivation is a feeling, so trying to create this feeling using logic doesn’t always work.

Deborah Stipek, Ph.D, Dean of the Stanford University School of Education, is an expert in the subject of motivation in young children. She’s also a mother, so her latest book, Motivated Minds/Raising Children to Love Learning, is full of practical advice.

Dr. Stipek says kids will be self-motivated to learn when they:

  • Feel competent about something
  • Have some choice and control over their learning
  • Believe that intelligence isn’t fixed at birth
  • Feel loved and respected by their parents

FIND YOUR CHILD’S PASSIONS

Create a list of the things that your child naturally enjoys doing. If your child has a particular strength in school, such as being a math whiz, find ways outside of school to expose him or her to math in the real world – computers, hands-on science museums, and math camps.

If he/she struggles with most school subjects, look elsewhere for his or her passions. Pay attention to whatever makes your child perk up. Is it animals? Plants? Music? Art? Sports?

Have your child build a collage of this passion, let him/her write a book or make a family website. He/she could research and write about animals that are rarely seen. Try putting his/her picture in photos of these animals, Photoshop him or her in a setting as a famous explorer who finds rare animals. Let him or her draw an animal he/she imagines might be found someday.

Use this passion in all subjects, making it fit math skills, spelling, writing and reading.

Talk about how performing well in school will help them achieve their dreams of reaching that desired passion. Once you help them see how their actions will lead to a cool future, create a daily routine that ensures that they do what they need to do. Once the homework task is done, they are rewarded with more focus on their passion.

The key to motivating your child the second part of the year is by associating positive emotions and feelings with spending time on their homework.