My first article on improving social skills outlined the most basic skills, such as understanding non-verbal cues like reading facial expressions and appreciating others feelings. My second article detailed a dozen ways in which to make and keep friends, including being interested in others and understanding truthfulness and gossiping.

This article is designed to help children who struggle socially with authority figures, classroom changes and rules. From the time we are very young, we learn the importance of rules, such as, don’t turn on the stove, don’t run around in the store and remembering stranger danger. Children may question these rules and may not always comply, but they ultimately understand the need or reason for them. “By turning on the stove, I might start a fire.” Or, “By running around in the store, I could get lost or break something.” Children who struggle socially may follow the rules at home because the structure has become a part of the family fabric, yet when it comes to school rules and the teacher as an authority figure, the child is disrespectful, rude or unwilling to cooperate. They say things like, “That’s not what we do at home” or “I don’t have to listen to anyone but my parents.”

This article covers 10 objectives or goals that your child should master in order to be socially appropriate in school situations:

1. Understand what it’s like to be a teacher. Explain why people become teachers—they like children, they want to teach us and expand our world (or it’s all about the paperwork and great pay!). If your child has a problem with a particular teacher, perhaps an interview with the teacher would help him understand more about the teacher as a person. “What kinds of animals do you have?” “Do you have children?” “What do you do for hobbies?” This interaction creates a chance to bond and gives your child a chance to see the teacher as something more than a rule-maker. Role-play good classroom manners and bad classroom behaviors. Have your child attempt to teach you something he’s excited about as you act rudely or refuse to listen to him. Discuss what would happen if the teacher quit.

2. Know home rules vs. school rules. Children often can follow a rule at home but not be able to accept a variation on the same rule at school. For example, teasing siblings at home is not tolerated but in the classroom, your child hears others teasing and picking on classmates, so he joins in. It is important to explain that other children may break the rules in school but your child is not to follow along. Make a list of the home rules and the school rules and discuss how some are the same (don’t hit, push or argue) while some are different (put your lunch tray away versus pick up your room). Talk about why they are all important.

3. Realize teachers belong to everybody. Some students become extremely possessive of their teacher, vying for attention, needing constant praise or refusing to complete a task unless the teacher is involved or watching. Discuss how many students are in each classroom for every one teacher. Put 25 stuffed animals in front of your child and have him attempt to give each animal equal attention. Have a few animals act ‘needy’ and see how hard it is to teach the others. Explain that just because the teacher is working with other students doesn’t mean she won’t help you or doesn’t like you. Discuss that your child can gain the teacher’s attention by raising his hand and waiting quietly, asking the teacher when it would be a good time to get help or by using other rules established in the classroom. If your child insists that he never gets the teacher’s attention, have him count how many times the teacher spends one-on-one time with the other children and he should see that everyone gets limited, but quality time.

4. Move appropriately in a group. Children need to understand what can happen if they are not following group rules when they are changing classes, going on a field trip or heading for an assembly. Discuss times when you know your child has been rude or when he did not follow the class and it may have gotten him in trouble. Make a list of problems that can happen when people don’t stay together: getting lost, missing the bus, missing what the speaker is saying, disrupting the group, angering the other children, etc. Encourage your child to notice groups while you’re out in public. Watch movies and decide if the people are using good group manners. Talk about why it’s not important to always be first in line.

5. Do homework with respect. Some children feel that if they just put anything down on the page, it’s done. Or if they finish it but then don’t turn it in, it’s still done. Role-play situations where your child is the teacher and the teacher asks you where your homework is. Make up all kinds of excuses, preferably the ones your child uses. Then talk about how the teacher spent a lot of time preparing the lesson and compare it to a time your child put a great deal of effort into something but others might not have noticed. Discuss how the homework is not really done until the complete cycle of getting it, working on it at home and turning it back in is complete. Compare it to other tasks that require that final step, like changing a bike tire: the tire comes off; you patch the tube; but if you don’t put the tire back, it doesn’t work for you.
Create a special folder to put homework in. That way it’s not as likely to get forgotten at school or left at home. Teach your child that it’s not the parents’ or teachers’ job to remember homework—but his! Another problem might be that your child just hurries through the assignment. Explain that by slowing down and doing it right the first time, he actually saves time because he won’t have to do it over or retake a test. Discuss other things in life that don’t work out if a person just does a sloppy job, like cooking dinner, building something, or tying shoes.

6. Prepare for substitute teachers or guest speakers. Often a child will get used to his teacher and then have a very hard time when a substitute shows up. Help your child recognize that getting to know another person will give him a different way of learning something that the regular teacher may not know. Ask: Why might a substitute teacher or a guest speaker be more fun than the regular teacher? What classroom rules still apply? How should you greet a new teacher or speaker? How do you think the person would feel not knowing anyone in the room? Talk about how many different teachers your child has had since he first started school and how each was ‘cool’ in a new way.

7. Learn to approach the principal. Your child may see the principal address children sternly or even dole out consequences for bad behavior, and this can create an image that the principal is a person to fear. Discuss that your child doesn’t have to worry about being on the principal’s bad side if he doesn’t break the rules. Talk about the school rules that your child has seen broken in the past such as fighting, swearing, damaging things. Act out being the principal and the bad student. Make a list of other rules that will get a person in trouble. Talk about how the principal doesn’t have time to get to know everyone and just because he doesn’t talk to your child, it doesn’t mean he is mad at him. List some nice things the principal does for the school. Talk about something a person can share with the principal to get to know him: “I got an A in class” or “I’m remembering to turn all of my homework in!”

8. Keep your cool on the bus. Think of times your child has said that someone (or he himself) has had a hard time following the rules on the bus. Talk about how behaving badly has affected him or the people around him. Practice having your child pretend to drive a bus while you throw things, yell or run around behind him. Explain why this is dangerous and compare it to the family car rules. Discuss all of the things a bus driver has on his mind, like watching out for children crossing the road, watching the traffic, driving safely in bad weather, or remembering where to stop to let children on or off.

9. Know when to tell someone you’re having a problem. Children who have limited social skills often find it hard to distinguish when there are having a real problem that they should take to a teacher or a counselor or when they are just frustrated. Point out some instances that might be real problems: getting bullied, getting hurt, not understanding the assignment, seeing someone break a rule that endangers others. Talk about issues that are not so important: breaking your pencil lead, noticing a mark on the desk, remembering a funny story to share. Mention that you could get into trouble if you are reporting or asking for a teacher’s or counselor’s attention for everything. Talk about the boy who cried wolf.

10. Use an assignment notebook. This is often for the older student who has many classes and who must keep track of multiple assignments. Explain that having the notebook actually saves time instead of having to call a friend or going through your books to remember what the teacher assigned. It also beats trying to keep track of tiny scraps of paper. Discuss the important items to put in the notebook such as the subject, the actual pages and the due dates. Talk about things that are not important to put in the notebook such as doodling, your opinions or what portion of the assignment you think you should do. Discuss a good coding system for when items are accomplished. Colored markers can be used to denote items that need to be done immediately (in red) versus those that can be done tomorrow (in yellow).

All students can experience school difficulties. What they need to learn is that the school rules help cut down on these difficulties and that there are people in the school who can help them. Talk to your children everyday and encourage them to talk to their teachers and counselors and watch them become an important part of their scho