Jonathon just received a nice gift from his aunt. He grabs it, tears it open, turns it over and over and says, “This is stupid!” His mother coaxes him with, “Jonathon, what do you say?” He looks at his aunt and says, “Can you get me something else?” Of course, everyone but Jonathon feels bad.

Children who struggle socially may blurt out those truthful statements that we all might think about saying, but we don’t because they are hurtful. Children may not say ‘please’ or ‘thank-you,’ they may not excuse themselves properly or may not understand etiquette in public places.

This article, the last of four that has covered the humongous subject of improving social skills, is designed to help children who struggle socially with everyday politeness. Here are 10 areas to practice in order to have good public manners:

• Greet others. Discuss what good greetings are like, using good eye contact, shaking hands, smiling and saying hello, versus not-so-good greetings like, looking down, mumbling, and keeping your hands in your pocket. Practice silly, bad greetings then ask your child what you should have done. Talk about the reasons to use good greetings: It may help people to like you, want to be with you and remember you; you will remember what the people look like; or the new acquaintances might become new friends. Practice with the family first, then migrate out into the community, greeting people at the store, the bank or at church.
• Introduce others in a group. Often children will join a group, play for awhile and eventually ask, “Hey, what’s his name?” The polite thing to do is to enter a group and first introduce yourself to the new people or to make sure a new arrival in the group knows everyone. Talk about how left out your child might feel if he wasn’t introduced or if people didn’t know his name. Role-play introducing family members or relatives to each other by using their proper title and name such as, “This is my aunt, Carol.” Practice introduction lines like, “I’d like you to meet…” or “I’d like to introduce you to….”
• Say ‘Excuse me.’ Although learning to say ‘excuse me’ does not make up for the mistake that was made, it does go a long way in acknowledging that something was bothersome to another person. Discuss situations when someone bumped your child or stepped on a foot accidentally and didn’t say anything. Come up with 10 situations where an ‘excuse me’ would be appropriate and practice acting out the parts of the offender and the offended. Include the forgiveness for making publicly inappropriate noises, such as burping, sneezing or blowing your nose. The second correct use of ‘excuse me’ is to help you break into a conversation in order to get directions or to gain important information. Stress that this shouldn’t be overused just to be the center of attention. Explain that by saying ‘excuse me’ first, it makes you polite because you recognize the speaker is busy and you are requesting a minute of her time.
• Understand that some questions are too personal . Discuss that sometimes we know things about people that we don’t ask them questions about because it makes them embarrassed. Point out some situations in the child’s life that would make him uncomfortable to discuss. Talk about things that would embarrass or sadden a relative. Discuss and practice non-personal questions, such as, ‘When is your birthday?’ ‘What do you do for fun?’ or ‘Do you have pets?’ Talk about reading the facial cues of another and knowing when the question may have been too personal and knowing when to say, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”
• Don’t mimic or imitate others . Bring up that actors and comedians do this all of the time but that they usually mimic the nice or funny characteristics of others. Discuss why mimicking a person with a physical limitation such as a limp or blindness or imitating a mentally challenged person is not funny. Explain that making up original voices and movements is better that copying others. Also, wearing clothes like someone your child admires or changing a hairstyle are good imitations. List out and practice good imitations of others in the child’s environment then discuss characteristics that would be bad to mimic.
• Behave in public . There are differences in behavior between being in the privacy of your house and being out in the community. The main difference that your child needs to understand is that in public he is sharing space and time with others and he needs to be respectful of that. Talk about public places in the community, such as the zoo, library and park. Discuss what it would be like if everyone misbehaved. A place would get littered or ruined; it might close or raise its fees; you might offend a person who was enjoying the public place; someone might get hurt. Talk about important behaviors in public places like using good verbal manners, waiting for a turn, sharing a seat in a crowded area, not talking too loudly, and not breaking or touching anything that would ruin the setting. Practice going to public places and talk about the manners needed in each instance.
• Wash hands after using the restroom and before eating. Talk about germs and try to get a picture book from the library that shows germs. Let your child remember when he was very sick from a virus and explain that that was because a germ was running around in his body. Explain that sick people may use the toilet or public sink right before your child and that the germs spread with touch, but are killed with soap and water. Children need to know that all sick people may not look sick so not to judge the need to wash on that assumption. Talk about your child’s need to wash his hands even when he is sick so that he doesn’t pass the germs to friends or family members. Explain that doctors wash their hands after every patient even if they didn’t even touch them. Talk about how washing before dinner is a way to clean the hands before touching the food. Converse about all of the foods we touch while eating and why it’s important to keep the germs off them.
• Use good table manners. Discuss that eating is a time to relax, and it allows your body get food to stay strong. Talk about the good things to do while at the table: sit still; chew with your mouth closed; don’t talk with food in your mouth; and pass food when asked. List out bad table manners like being noisy, picking on the person next to you, saying you hate the food, playing with the food, licking the silverware or reaching across another’s plate. Role-play each type of good manner versus bad manner. Keep a chart if your child has a particular area he needs to improve, and after so many successes he can earn something or some recognition. Taking this outside of the house gets a bit harder. Have a discussion about why it’s fun to go out instead of eating at home all of the time. Talk about what would be a display of poor manners in a fast-food restaurant or a sit-down restaurant. Practice proper table manners by being the example to your child whenever you are eating. Break a table manner rule and see if your child can figure out what you did wrong.
• Help out others in public. Sometimes children are oblivious to others’ needs. A person may have her arms full and be unable to open a door, and your child will barge in past her without helping. Or a person may not be able to climb the steps without using the handrail, butt your child is playing on the rail and doesn’t think to move. Point these situations out to your child and talk about the right thing to do. Talk about how the handicapped person feels when he is stuck without help. Get your child in the habit of opening doors for all people and explain that using good manners makes everyone happy.
• Answer questions appropriately. Sometimes children think that if they grunt or snap an answer your way, this will be sufficient. They are probably busy thinking of something or involved in an activity they like, but this is no reason not to answer the question with a good answer. Practice good and bad answers to questions like, “Do you know where the TV remote is?” “Are you done with the computer?” “Did Dad call while I was gone?” Explain that the voice is just as important as the words. (Also point out that some words, like “shut up” sound rude whether said quietly or loudly.) Practice using good eye contact while answering the question. Demonstrate poor manners to your children by having them ask you questions and you give them short, rude answers. They can then see how it feels to not get the right information from the speaker.